I molested 6 butterflies tonight
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
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