I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Randomize
