You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
