i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
