Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
