Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
