You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
