You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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