i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
