Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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