Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
What a dumb baby whore.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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