I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
