Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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