Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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