Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
