dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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