for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
