I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
