my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
