you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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