Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
