Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
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