So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
