you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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