Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i came on her dog
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Randomize
