She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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