Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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