I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
