my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize