At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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