My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
