my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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