My hand turned me down
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Randomize
