dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
We are two peas in an std pod
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
