I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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