you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
