Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
