Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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