I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
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