I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I wish you could order shots online.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
