i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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