The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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