I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
