we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
