I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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