Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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