I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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