you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
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If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
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I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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