btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Randomize
