Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I don't deserve a penis
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
