I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Is Oprah even human
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
