take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I AM VODKA MAN
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
