My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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