So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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