Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
