You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I think weed is turning my hair brown
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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