flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
