I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
