last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
