i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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