You made me cry and you don't even care
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
